Sunday, January 01, 2006

The Onion's Top Ten Stories of 2005

#1. Bush Elected President of Iraq.
Bush, who surged in the polls after all of the other candidates were killed by either coalition forces or insurgents in the final week leading up to the election, characterized his victory as the dawn of democracy in the Middle East, and proof that the system works.

...
#3 Pope Died As He Lived, Propped Up For Public Viewing
...
#6 Prince Charles Weds Longtime Horse
"Her Majesty is happier still to announce that the new Duchess Of Cornwall possesses a strong carriage, healthy teeth, and an unimpeachable bloodline." Following the ceremony, the reclusive couple retreated to the Birkhall Estate near Balmoral Castle in Scotland, where they celebrated their new union by posing for photographs and going for a brisk trot in the courtyard.

...
#9 White House Celebrates Fifth Straight Year Without Oral Sex
"I can assure that no one—including myself, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, 'Scooter' Libby, or Condi Rice—has been the recipient, or provider, of the kind of unnatural, depraved, and frankly gross sexual act that, not too long ago, disgraced this office in the eyes of the world." Bush was then joined on stage by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and Tom DeLay to cut a perfectly square, frostingless vanilla cake made especially for the occasion.


And So It Goes

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