Monday, August 08, 2005

Remakes we never want to see

From Emerald City, some remakes that would be counter-subversive, and boring:

- a remake of Dune in which all mention of Spice is removed to avoid encouraging drug use

- a remake of Barbarella in which our heroine is demurely dressed at all times and never so much as kisses anyone

- a remake of I Robot in which all of our metal friends are totally law-abiding

- a remake of Jurassic Park in which attempts to clone dinosaurs fail because those fossils were only God having a joke to test our faith

- a movie of V for Vendetta in which the hero helps the government fight terrorists - no, wait, isn’t that being done?

Some more:

- a remake of Harry Potter where all the kids are petulant brats

- a remake of the Godfather where the Corleones have the best pizza business in the five boroughs

- a remake of Lord of the Rings called "Lord of Bling Bling", where Frodo must destroy the One Ring of the Lord of Bling-Bling

- a remake of the Titanic where the ship is saved because the iceberg melts due to the Ozone Hole

- a remake of Finding Nemo where just as Marlin reaches Sydney, he is killed by an oil spill

- a remake of Catch 22, where just as Yossarian finally figures a way out, he is re-enelisted by the new Stop-Loss policy

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Time traveler, world traveler, book reader